#1.5 Finding Autumn Read online

  “I didn’t sleep with a teacher. Mr. Bridges was my math teacher for junior year, and I spent a lot of time with him because I struggled in pre-calculus.” I tried to not react, but it was impossible. I felt queasy and was relieved I had an empty stomach. Autumn was lost in her own world and didn’t seem to notice my reaction. She continued on. “Mr. Bridges had a reputation. He was one of the school’s football coaches and the rumor was he favored students who cheered. My friends thought if I flirted a little, it would help my grade out. I never thought….”

  I didn’t reply, and after clearing her throat, she resumed. “Anyway, Mr. Bridges must’ve picked up on my lame attempts at flirting and he offered to tutor me. He made promises, told me he could help me get into a school in New York and would work with me to win a lot of scholarship money in order to afford it. ”

  It hurt—it hurt so fucking bad to hear the suffering in her words. I had thought in the beginning I wanted to hear her side of the story, but it was ripping me apart from the inside out.

  I had no right to be there for her. She thought I was someone else and I wished to god I could be the man she thought I was. I wished I were only Blake Preston—the guy she met on campus and had decided to open up her heart to. I understood the significance of the moment and how grueling it must be to talk about a time in her life she would much rather forget. But I couldn’t tell her to stop. She was willing to take a leap of faith, and it would cut her deeply to tell her she was wrong to trust me with this.

  “He tutored me after school and my grade in his class started improving. Part of the improvement was from his help in pre-calculus, but I also knew he fudged some of my test scores.” She had a faraway look on her face, and I understood she was back there. I would give anything to go back with her and stop the attack from happening. I felt powerless and it was a sensation I despised.

  “I was naïve and thought my flirting was harmless. There were times when I caught him staring at me, but I never thought he would make a move…” Her voice broke and she paused to get a handle on her emotions. “Anyway, he was married with kids and our school thought the world of him. Our football team’s record was impeccable, and most of the juniors and seniors tried to get into his math classes. I never suspected he wouldn’t be the person I thought he was.”

  I felt the same way, and wished I could tell her how I could relate. If she understood what kind of liar and pretender Thomas was, maybe she’d be able to find a way to forgive me. I didn’t know Autumn when she was attacked, and I had wanted to believe Thomas—the little boy in me still idolized him. Believing anything else would taint every memory I had of him. I took his goodness for granted and never suspected something sinister lurked just below the surface. Thomas had been one of the starring players in some of the best moments in my life, and it was torturous to let them go.

  “One afternoon, Mr. Bridges had a faculty meeting and asked me to push back our tutoring session. I was having a hard time grasping the material, and I lost track of time. By the time we finished, it was dark out and the school had emptied.” She bit her lower lip before she continued. “He offered to walk me out to my car, and I didn’t hesitate to let him. He was my teacher and I admired him. I never once questioned my safety when I was alone with him. He had this way about him… he talked to me as if I was the most important person in the world. He didn’t make me feel like a kid or a dumb cheerleader. He asked me questions as if my opinions mattered, and I was convinced he respected me.”

  Her eyes were dry and her voice monotone as she rallied on. “I didn’t suspect anything was wrong until we got to my car and he asked about Hunter. He wanted to know if I had a boyfriend, and if he made me feel good. He told me to not play coy because he had already interpreted the signals I was sending.” She shivered from the memory. “It was awful, and I tried to explain how uncomfortable he was making me, but I couldn’t get through to him.”

  Hearing her story was like being stuck inside a plane plummeting toward the ground. I understood what was coming, but I couldn’t accept it. There was no chance in the world there was the possibility of a different outcome, but irrationally I prayed for it.

  “I tried to get away…” She choked on her words. “Before he grabbed me, I was still hoping he’d come to his senses. I even blamed myself for his confusion. I felt guilty for making him think I was interested in him sexually.”

  I swore under my breath. “Autumn, you did nothing wrong.”

  She nodded, but her expression told me she wasn’t entirely convinced. “He shoved me into the car and forced himself on me. He ripped off some of my clothing and… touched me. I kept telling him no and wishing he would snap out of it and see me. I was convinced if he remembered who I was and who he was, he’d stop. But it never happened. He tried to rape me, but I fought him off. I don’t know how I found the strength to do it—he was twice my size, but I somehow kicked him out of the car and drove off before he got back inside. It was the last time I ever saw him.”

  When she was done, I couldn’t breathe. I had come to accept her version of what happened that night, but hearing it out loud unraveled me. Through the police reports and lawyers, I only knew bits and pieces of Autumn’s side of the story. To hear it laid out in black and white did something excruciating to my entire being.

  And what hurt more than anything was she had spared me. Her consideration of my feelings was another reminder of why she was too good for me. She glossed over the details of the attack because she wanted to shield me against exactly how bad things were. What Thomas had done was unspeakable. I had read the police report, and within the pages, Autumn’s account detailed the way he forced her into her car and shredded her clothing. She had been pinned beneath him as he pinched and grabbed at her breasts. While she clawed at him, he continued to assault her and shoved his fingers roughly inside of her. He tried to rape her, but in his haste, she had a window of opportunity to get free of his hold, and was able to escape. She kicked him out of the car and sped off to her home.

  “My parents knew something was wrong as soon as I ran into the house, but I didn’t tell them right away. I was too ashamed and my only thought was to scour every inch of my skin to try and erase the memory of his touch.” She shrank away from me into her seat. “My parents were able to coerce the story out of me and we filed charges. An investigation was launched and it became his word against mine. He may have gotten off, but he said it was consensual.”

  Thomas must have known there would be physical evidence, and inventing an affair was his way to get out of being charged with a crime. He understood there would be repercussions for sleeping with a student, but they wouldn’t be as harsh as an admission of attempted rape.

  “He said I had set off to seduce him and that it was a mistake, but he had fallen into temptation.” She had a wry tone and it made me realize how ridiculous it was to believe his story. I had been sold on it all because I couldn’t face the fact I’d been living under the same roof as a sick bastard.

  “But the police didn’t believe him,” I stated.

  Autumn shook her head vigorously. “It looked bad for him, the fact he would even consider sleeping with a seventeen-year-old student. There was also evidence—my ripped underwear and the marks on my skin. Although he said it wasn’t an act of violence, that I liked it rough, he knew his defense was flimsy. He took a plea deal and has been in jail since.”

  Thomas was lucky he was in prison, because if he were out, I’d probably end up murdering him. My hands clenched involuntarily. I fantasized about driving to the jail, dragging him from his cell and pounding his face into a gory pulp. He deserved so much worse than a couple of years behind bars.

  Autumn was watching me like she was waiting for me to say something. I finally managed. “You didn’t want to go through a trial?”

  “No, I couldn’t. The press kept my name mostly out of the whole thing once they got word a teacher assaulted one of his students. But Hunter and my best friend Faye leaked my iden
tity, and for some reason decided to make my life a living hell.

  “Everyone believed Mr. Bridges’s version of what happened. Faye corroborated I flirted with him to help out my math grade and shared a lot of unflattering pictures of me on Facebook. They were mostly taken at her house while we were partying and every sin was publicly displayed. And Hunter may have believed me, but I don’t think he cared. I had been sullied in his eyes. I think whether or not it was consensual was a moot point. We broke up when I wouldn’t sleep with him…”

  “Motherfucker,” I muttered. She likely didn’t realize I was referring to Thomas and not Hunter. Her friends and ex-boyfriend were culpable, but in some ways, so was I. Thomas was a master manipulator; and although she didn’t know it yet, he had gotten inside of my head and planted the seeds of doubt, too.

  “He and his friends started rumors about me. Made up all kinds of stories and everyone believed them. Mr. Bridges was a revered football legend at our school and his arrest made me a target. Our school had a bad case of hero worship when it came to him, and it was easier to accept I was a Lolita than that Mr. Bridges was a predator. Two guys grabbed me in the stairwell when I went back to school in the fall, and I was done with Newpine High School for good.”

  The wrath inside of me was reaching its peak. When I felt the rage course through my blood, I didn’t force it away. It was my biggest shame, but when the hatred reared up, Thomas felt more like my father than ever—because only a father could leave behind scars that ran so deep.

  I could pretend with everyone else, but I was getting to the point I couldn’t keep pretending with Autumn. “I wish I could do something. I wish I could go back and protect you from all of it.”

  “You are doing something. You’re here for me now. I haven’t been able to talk about what happened with anyone besides my parents. I have trust issues, and I’ve been afraid if I open up to anyone else, they’ll desert me like Hunter and Faye.”

  Her words stung because I was doing something much worse. I was a liar, and when she found out about my lies, I’d eviscerate her belief in me.

  “Hunter and Faye weren’t worthy of you. I’m probably not either, but I’m trying to be.”

  It would never be enough, but I’d try my damndest to make it up to her. I may have lied about who I was, but it wasn’t a lie when I told her I wanted to make her happy. I never thought her happiness would mean more than my own, but since we started spending time together, she had changed me.

  “I was afraid to tell you, scared of what you might think of me….” She trailed off.

  “What would I think?”

  “You would think I was stupid to flirt with my teacher. I invited him into my life by tossing my hair and giggling when he spoke, letting him open up to me about his personal life….”

  “Did you tell him no? Did you tell him to stop?” I asked her forcefully. She had to let go of the blame. I didn’t want her to put merit into any of the lies her spiteful classmates spread about her. She nodded in response to my rhetorical question. She started to cry, the first time since beginning her story. I rushed on, “Then none of the other stuff matters. It was his responsibility to draw the line. Your actions didn’t warrant what was done to you.” I wiped away her tears as she sniffled. “I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you, and I’m so sorry. But I’m here now and nothing is going to happen to you again.”

  She pulled back slightly and protested, “I don’t need a protector….”

  “I don’t only want to be your protector, Autumn. I want to be everything you’ll ever need—because that’s exactly how you make me feel when I’m with you. Like you give me everything I’ll ever want and need.”

  Autumn had my heart. I hadn’t intended it to happen, but I wouldn’t lie to myself and pretend I didn’t feel it. I couldn’t guarantee a future for us, but I would do anything in my power to fight for one.

  Chapter Eleven

  I was trying to leap off a speeding train, and the impossibility of it was bearing down on me. I had done the unthinkable—I’d fallen in love with Autumn Dorey. It had hit me without warning, and I had no idea what to do about it.

  I wasn’t allowed to even have an attraction to her—much less be in love with her. I imagined telling my mom and Delia about Autumn. Hey, remember that girl we all hated and blamed for our lives going to shit? Funny thing, she goes to the same college as me and it turns out I’m crazy about her. I was well and truly fucked.

  The phone rang and I groaned. It was my mom. I’d been avoiding talking to her and Delia because keeping up the pretense was exhausting. It was a juggling act—laboring to keep my two worlds from colliding with one another. In the weeks since spring break, and my date with Autumn in Newpine, I’d been getting closer to her while driving my family farther away.

  “Blake!” My mom barked out over the phone. I could already hear the sharpness in her tone and immediately realized the good mood she had held onto since hearing of Thomas’s release had fled.

  “Hi, Mom. How are you?”

  “Fine, I suppose. As thrilled as I am about your father’s release, I feel like I’m stuck in limbo right now.” My shoulders tensed as she put an emphasis on the word father. She had badgered me about cutting Thomas out of my life relentlessly since last year. I figured she felt like my refusal to forgive him reflected poorly on herself. If she could forgive him for his alleged affair, why couldn’t I?

  I sat down on my bed. “Is he moving back into the house?”

  “Of course he is. I thought we could plan a special family dinner for the night he comes home.” She let out a long-suffering sigh. “You have no idea what it would mean to him if you came.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Blake—”

  I cut her off. “Was that the reason you called?”

  “Why are you so damn stubborn?” she demanded. “Do you think it doesn’t hurt to think about my husband cheating on me with a student? But we have to move on. He’s admitted his mistakes and deserves a second chance. Do you have any idea what prison has been like for him? For god’s sake, Blake, he’s a middle-aged math teacher, not a hardened criminal.”

  “Look, can we not do this again? I’m not going to feel sorry for him and you’re not going to make me feel bad for not wanting him in my life.”

  “No, you look, Blake. You were a child when he came into our lives, so you probably don’t remember how bad things were. Your father died and we had nothing—no life insurance, no savings to tide us over,” she said, her words razor sharp. “I had to get aid from the state, and it was still barely enough to pay our rent and feed us. Thomas saved us. He gave us a home, and he loved you like you were his own child. And you weren’t always easy to love. You threw the worst tantrums—destroying your toys and banging your fists against the walls. Thomas wouldn’t give up on you because he saw your potential. When you get to the NFL, you’ll realize how much you owe him.”

  Fuck, I need a drink. There was nothing like a conversation with my mother to ruin my attempts at sobriety. I hated that she was forcing me to link any future success I had to Thomas. It undermined any possible joy I could gain from going pro. I used to love football, and she was, little by little, stealing that sensation away.

  I wanted to tell her how wrong she was, but it would only prolong the conversation. The more she talked, the more her voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard and I couldn’t stand it.

  “Mom, I have to go. I’ll give you a call later.” She’d know I was full of shit and wouldn’t be calling, but I didn’t have the energy to care. If she needed to talk again, she would tirelessly call until I answered. She had pulled that crap one night when Autumn came over with her friends, right after we started dating. I had to listen to my mom’s tirade for over fifteen minutes in the privacy of my bedroom until I was able to finally hang up and return to Autumn’s side. Talking to my mom in Autumn’s presence was too dangerous of a game.

  “Wait…” My mother paused until the silenc
e became awkward. “I need money.”

  “How much?”

  “Just another two thousand dollars….”

  “The fund is going to deplete soon, Mom. I’m not sure how I’ll pay for school next year.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Blake. Once your dad is out of jail, Delia and I will have his income back. Besides, when you get drafted, you’ll have more money than you know what to do with.”

  I wouldn’t tell her no because despite the many ways she infuriated me, I did feel a responsibility toward her and Delia. My college fund was set up by my father’s parents and meant to help pay for my education. Because of my mom’s bitter feud with my grandparents, I wasn’t allowed to see them after my dad died. To still be involved in my life, they put a substantial amount of money into a savings fund I accessed after graduating high school.

  “I’ll go online and transfer the money into your account. It should be there this afternoon.”

  “Good,” she said with relief clear in her voice. “I’ll give you a call in the next few days, and we’ll get together for dinner.”

  After hanging up, I made my way from my bedroom to the kitchen. Often, I felt like my mom’s whipping boy, like I was the one forced to pay for Thomas’s transgressions. It was a vicious cycle I didn’t know how to stop. Darien called out to me from his room, but I only grunted in reply. I gathered a handful of beers from the fridge in my arms and disappeared back into my room. Closing my blinds and shutting off my lamp, I moved over to the bed and sank into the mattress.

  I gulped down the first beer, not stopping until the bottle was drained dry. I was glad Autumn had taken my car and disappeared for the day to go shopping. I didn’t want her to witness the mindfuck my mom had done on me. I wanted the selective amnesia to return and not to be reminded of the good times I had with Thomas. It was much easier to pretend he’d been an asshole all the way up until the day he was imprisoned.